Saying Goodbye, Hundreds of Miles Apart

Dr. Judi Stella’s Greyhound Theo was a goofball. 

Once you got past his giant, perhaps intimidating exterior, you’d find a silly dog underneath who was happiest running outside and playing with Judi’s anxious Pit Bull, Vivian. 

Theo found his way into Judi’s life when he was about five years old, searching for his first real home after a life spent in a kennel as a racing Greyhound. Judi and her dog Vivian might have needed Theo as badly as he needed them. 

Before Theo completed their lives, Vivian’s anxiety prevented her and Judi from doing much of anything. But upon his arrival into their home, Theo miraculously started bringing shy and fearful Vivian out of her shell. The two dogs became inseparable companions, and along with Judi, they built a life together. 

The unique way Theo completed their family made his eventual deterioration all the more difficult, especially when Judi had to make the heartbreaking and unexpected decision to let him go when she was hundreds of miles away from home. 

‍What are some of the things you think that made Theo so special to you?

I think the biggest thing was his relationship with Vivian, who is the love of my life. Theo really took to her. He supported her and it made her come out of her shell a lot. In many ways, she was also there for him. 

I was also living by myself in Indiana at the time, during my postdoc and my fellowship. It was such a comfort to have the two of them around and be able to go for walks and get out. Before I had him, Vivian was so anxious all the time that we couldn't do anything. We were just the two of us, little balls of anxiety in my apartment. When I got Theo, it actually made both of our lives better because we got out. He was goofy, so he made everybody more relaxed. I think that's why he was special.

Do you have any favorite memories or parts of your daily routine together? 

Every day, I would make my bed in the morning, I'd have breakfast, and then we'd get ready to go for our morning walk before I'd go to the office. And Theo would go nuts. He would just run around and bark in my tiny little apartment, and he would get on my bed and spin really fast and then bark and then spin really fast again. Vivian would just bark at him and chase him around, and he would destroy the whole bed. The bed would literally move across the bedroom and everything would be on the floor, so I'd have to make the bed again. I'm sure my neighbors hated us, but it was very funny, and he did it every single day. 

Was Theo’s passing sudden or had you been expecting it?

I noticed there was something different with him. I just felt like he was just slowing down, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I brought him to the vet and we did blood work and listened to his heart. We did everything. 

Then it was maybe six months later, and I was just like, “Okay, well, he's almost 10. Maybe he's just getting old and he's slowing down or the heat in the summertime is getting to him.” But then I took him outside and I was like, “Oh my God, he's so pale.” He just looks terrible. His gums were pale and it looked like he was going to collapse. I rushed him to the emergency room and he had fluid around his pericardium, which is the sac around his heart. He had a big mass in there, and you couldn’t take it out without open heart surgery. So we just drained it and I brought him home just for a couple of weeks so that I could just love on him and just have him for another couple of weeks. 

He was doing really well and perked up a little. Then, it was Thanksgiving weekend and I was going home. I left Wednesday night and was planning on coming home Friday morning. It was just 36 hours. I was like, ‘He'll be okay.’ And he wasn't. 

He collapsed on Thanksgiving Day and my sister-in-law had to rush him to the emergency room. Honestly, it was the worst thing ever because I had to make a decision. When they took him in, they tried to drain the fluid again just to keep him alive until I got home. I tried getting flights, but there were none because it was Thanksgiving Day. Because of my situation, I had to make the decision that was best for him, and it wasn't to try to keep him alive on life support until I got there. I've never been away when any of my animals had to be euthanized. It was honestly the worst thing that he had to go through that without me.

Then I basically drank some wine, curled up in a ball, and cried all night long.

‍Were you able to find comfort with the difficult decision you made to put him down without being there? ‍

I don't regret that I made that decision the way that I did because it was in his best interest. It would have just been selfish for me to make him suffer in order to be able to say goodbye. I just couldn’t do that. 

Did the fact that you weren't physically there for Theo’s loss make it more difficult for you to find closure? 

I think I knew it was coming, but I definitely think it was harder because I wasn't there. Then I also felt guilty for Vivian, too, because then she was by herself. She doesn't do well by herself, and that was super traumatic for her. She didn't get to say goodbye either. 

How did Vivian react to Theo’s loss?

I think that the whole thing was really traumatizing for her because they were really bonded. It’s interesting because she’s not that close to our other dog Finnely, who came later, after Theo was gone. She likes him and they hang out, but not like she was with Theo. She was obsessed with him, and has never been like that with anybody else. 

He was so tall and she’s so short, and when she’d get upset about things, she’d stand underneath him and peer out. He made her bold. He made it so that she was able to go for walks and do things she really couldn’t do on her own. At the same time, not long before that, we had lost our other dog Joey, so it was hard losing two of them relatively quickly. Vivian was all alone and didn’t have her boys with her. I think it was not having Theo, and the trauma of me not being there when we lost him, which was really anxiety provoking for her. When I came home, she was really upset, and just hunkered down and cuddled on the sofa with me all the time. She wouldn’t go for walks. I’d take her to the same park that the three of us would go to every day and she wouldn’t walk. It became an emergency to get her another friend. It’s gotten better with Finnley but it’s never been the same.

How do you feel you started to cope with these feelings when you got home and Theo wasn't there, while also still being a caretaker to your other pets? 

I think it helped that I had my other animals, so I could focus on taking care of them. I think Vivian and I basically grieved together.  If I didn't have her, I think it would have been much harder. We just made a plan to get her another friend and started looking for another dog which, I know that sounds terrible, but it’s not really. To me, I just now had room in the house to rescue another dog and give them a good life. 

I don’t think about it like I’m replacing Theo. He’s not replaceable. He’s an individual and I love him dearly, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to have another dog in my life. There’s so many other dogs that also need that experience in a home, and that love. And they’re all individuals. I’ve had lots of dogs, and I’ll continue to adopt them as long as I’m able to. 

Did Theo’s loss change your relationship with your other animals, or make you think about their own mortality differently?

You always outlive your pets. Everytime you get a pet and they pass, it breaks your heart and you don’t want to go through it again, but I guess I’m a glutton for punishment because I just keep doing it. I really think that having my other animals really helps. Seeing their joy really helps me get over the loss. You just start remembering the good things and not the bad ones, but it does take a while. 

Do you have any advice you’d share with someone going through a similar loss of their pet? 

It’s ok to feel as bad as you do. It’s not crazy. I think it says something about you as a person to be able to be that vulnerable to another animal – to another species. It’s a weird thing when you really think about it. Sometimes I’m laying on the sofa with these giant dogs that could really hurt me if they wanted to, and they’re just snuggling up and there’s no fear or distrust between any of us. 

People should own their feelings. Whatever outlet you need to grieve is ok. Find what works for you. For me, it’s focusing on my other animals, or getting another dog and giving them that same good life. For other people it’s not that, and maybe it’s volunteering at a shelter. Maybe it’s going to a group to talk about it. Whatever it is that you need to do, it’s fine and people shouldn’t be worried about it. 

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