I think about it this way.

Because he left before he went

he's never really gone, just going.

I now own a cat who I love with

everything I am and will grow into

being-it's crazy, keeping something

alive, having something that's

yours. And because it's yours

and yours alone no one can

take that away except time.

Time heals is what they say

but holding on is what makes me

feel better. I put his name in pass-

words, in little notes in my phone,

in poems. And if I didn't regret

my first tattoo so much I'd consider

getting his name on the inside of

my arm, where he'd rest his head

while sitting in my lap. He was far

too big for laps, especially

the folded legs of a young girl. I would sit

until my legs would fall asleep. Then

I would use all my upper body strength

to stand back up. I like to think

about how Cornelius will be alive

to see my children one day. It's

a thought that is mine and mine alone

yet a part of me will always feel like

someone will take it away.

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